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Jokes... to bring a smile.. - Off Topic Section - Travel and Off Topic Section - Hairloss Experiences Hair Loss Forum  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Fri Dec 12th, 2014 08:00 pm
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bullitnut
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excuse the capslock

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, " FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO "



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 Posted: Fri Dec 12th, 2014 08:03 pm
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bullitnut
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Three men in a Bar discussing speed and what is the fastest thing in the world. The first man says "I think it's a thought". The others looked at him and he continued "You know, you can be sat there, thinking of nothing, and then....BAMM! You get a thought". "Yeah, a thought is the fastest thing in the world".The other two look at each other and the second one says "Well I think it's a blink". "You can be doing anything at all and yet you never notice when you blink because it's so quick". "Yeah, a blink is the fastest thing in the world".The thirdman looks at the other two and then he says "Well I think it's electricity"! I've got lights at the end of my garden and when I switch them on from inside the house, no matter how quick I look, they're already on! So electricity has got to be the fastest thing in the world"!The Barman syas "Sorry gents but you're all wrong, it's diarrhoea"!All three of them look at him and then one says "How the hell do you work that out"!The Barman replies "Well on my last night off I went out for a few drinks with some friends of mine. We had maybe a dozen Lagers and then finished off the night at the local Indian Restaurant for a curry and I had a red hot Vindaloo. When I got home I staggered up the stairs, undressed and flopped in to bed with my bowls gurgling and I had the worst stomach cramps ever!Then, before I could THINK, BLINK or SWITCH ON THE LIGHT I'd shit myself"!!



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 Posted: Fri Dec 12th, 2014 08:05 pm
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bullitnut
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.  'What was that for?' he asked.   'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.    'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.   'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'   Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.   When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'   'Your horse phoned.'



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 Posted: Fri Dec 12th, 2014 08:10 pm
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bullitnut
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lol

Attached Image (viewed 96 times):

kK0ZZYsr.jpeg



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 Posted: Fri Dec 12th, 2014 08:46 pm
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timuk
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Very good BN :)

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 Posted: Mon Dec 15th, 2014 11:24 pm
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bullitnut
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Z:B Timbo ;)



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 Posted: Sun Dec 21st, 2014 09:09 am
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bullitnut
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While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.  
 The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, Whats your hurry?  
 To which she replied, im late for work. 
  Oh yeah, said the cop, what do you do?  
 Im a rectum stretcher, she responded. 
  The cop stammered, A what? A rectum stretcher?   And just what does a rectum stretcher do? 
  she said, I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until its about 6 feet wide.  
 And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? he asked.  
 You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge



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 Posted: Fri Jan 30th, 2015 12:03 am
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bullitnut
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OOOOHHH very sexist ;;D
The Gender of ComputersWhy computers should be considered masculine:1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model and for much cheaper.Why computers should be considered feminine:1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 12th, 2015 12:00 am
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bullitnut
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Some of these real life store names are pretty funny

http://www.menshealth.com/best-life/unintentionally-hilarious-store-names?cid=socBL_20150611_47380376&adbid=609129049659568128&adbpl=tw&adbpr=25093616



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 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2015 07:06 am
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ClinicByChoice41
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topccat29 wrote:  
 
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
ARussian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
TheU.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA,about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now...the whole country is looking for work."


This one make me laugh out loudly. It's so funny to share.

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 Posted: Fri Oct 21st, 2016 11:59 pm
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bullitnut
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What do you call a parade of rabbits hoping backwards,
A receding Hair-line



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 Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2017 01:34 am
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bullitnut
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. 

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
 The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" Wait for it The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"



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 Posted: Sat Aug 12th, 2017 11:37 pm
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bullitnut
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Parkinson, and bragged that despite his elderly years, he could still have sex three times a night.Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with you.Let’s go back to my place."So they go back to her place and have great sex.Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex.But while I’m shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and my cock in your right hand."Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.Then Sean says, "Cilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.But again, hold my ballsh in your left hand, and my cock in your right hand."Cilla is now used to the routine and complies.The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your cock in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?"Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I slept with a shcouser, she shtole ma wallet."
Sorry to all scousers it's only meant in jest guys ;)




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 Posted: Mon Aug 21st, 2017 01:16 am
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bullitnut
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I got a right slap across the face yesterday.I got into a lift/elevator , and this busty woman followed me in and I couldn't stop staring at her big boobs.Then she said "Would you mind pressing 1 for me"I must say, the slap was worth it.



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 Posted: Mon Aug 21st, 2017 01:18 am
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bullitnut
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chat up line;;D

Here's my best chat up line, try it yourself when you next get the chance, go up to her and say: "Hi, my name is Gerald, but everyone calls me Dick"She will say "How do you get Dick from Gerald"?I reply "Just ask nicely"



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 Posted: Mon Aug 21st, 2017 11:31 am
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Bigmac
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bullitnut wrote: chat up line;;D

Here's my best chat up line, try it yourself when you next get the chance, go up to her and say: "Hi, my name is Gerald, but everyone calls me Dick"She will say "How do you get Dick from Gerald"?I reply "Just ask nicely"

I like it.



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 Posted: Sat Sep 2nd, 2017 02:10 am
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bullitnut
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Girlfriend: Love you babe xxx
Me: Love you too.
Girlfriend: It would mean a lot if you started putting x's at the end of your text xxx
Me: OK Amy, Rachel, Sharon, Emily



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 Posted: Tue Nov 14th, 2017 09:04 am
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Mreadmeat
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bullitnut wrote: heres a few amusing avatars i came across
Hilarious GIF made my day smile.

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 Posted: Wed Nov 15th, 2017 05:28 pm
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Pete from Farjo
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Heard a good one on radio this morning:

Apparently they've identified the gene that causes obesity...

She works in Greggs on the high street.

(works better when spoken not written!)



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 Posted: Wed Nov 15th, 2017 07:01 pm
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Bigmac
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Pete from Farjo wrote: Heard a good one on radio this morning:

Apparently they've identified the gene that causes obesity...

She works in Greggs on the high street.

(works better when spoken not written!)


And her colleague Pasty, I mean Patsy.



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