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Employee-restructuring policy letter



Valued member
This joke email's apparently doing the rounds in our HR department - at least I hope it's a joke...

Dear Employee,

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments, we are forced to cut down our number of personnel.

Under this new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the year, via retirement, will placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as Severance of Late-Aged Personnel (SLAP). Employees who are slapped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside our company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, and SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined Lumpsum Assistance Payment (CLAP).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training. (S**T).

We take pride in the amount of (S**T) our employees receive. We have given our employees more (S**T) then any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough job (S**T),see you immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the (S**T) you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!



Invaluable Member
Very funny. Our company is too small for a HR department but it'd be funny to pass out a copy. The young techs will like it until they read about the intense training bit.


Staff member
Great post Baldspot and very true some of the stuff,especially in todays climate.