Jokes... to bring a smile..

Bigmac wrote:

Pete from Farjo wrote:

Heard a good one on radio this morning:

Apparently they've identified the gene that causes obesity...

She works in Greggs on the high street.

(works better when spoken not written!)

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And her colleague Pasty, I mean Patsy.

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)(_::

As the severe winter weather approaches the government has advised to always carry the following when travelling:


A big coat
A torch
A big bag of salt
A spadeDe-icer
An A-Z
A car phone charger
A high visibility jacket... And a warning triangle

I felt like a right idiot on the bus this morning.

My mate Sid have had his ID Stolen
He's now known as S



I know i know pathetic isn't it....just couldn't help myself )(_::

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage.
Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?"
The Lion replies, "Fucking brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

I like it. Fish and chimp and mushy bees.

I was driving home and I saw a man up to his neck in snow and I shouted, "I wont be long, I will go home and get a shovel." He shouted back, "Make it a big one as I'm sitting on a fxxxxxx horse".

DISCLAIMER:- Apologies to anyone reading this from the Newcastle area this is meant strictly in gest and purely as a bit of fun.

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said.........

'Well, since ya weekend's fxxxxd, you might as well gan fishing."

"If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company."
"What did he say to you?"
"Leave the company!"

Love it )(_::

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

one for the football fans lol

A scientist has invented a bra that stops boobs bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his head in!

My mum always used to say "40 is the new 30". Lovely woman, banned from driving.

Sorry couldn't help myself)(_::

You're on fire bullitnut! )(_::
Love the champions league one. Think I'll have to nick that one.

Pete from Farjo wrote:

You're on fire bullitnut! )(_::
Love the champions league one. Think I'll have to nick that one.

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haha i try dude, and sure no probs it made me chuckle too as a footy fan

corny lol

A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside. "Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out" The vicar smiles...and leans over the casket and says.

"Too late my son...I've already done the paperwork"

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change.
"I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said " £18.97"

please excuse the language:-

At a recent job interview:
"What's your name?"
"Dave Fuxxing bolloxxs Smith"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."