Jokes... to bring a smile..

[bullitnut]

Pardon the language



A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

 

[bullitnut]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

€œTarzan not know sex € he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, €œOh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree. €

Horrified Jane said, €œTarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly. € She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. €œHere € she said, pointing to her privates, €œyou must put it in here. €

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed €œWhat did you do that for? €

Tarzan replied, €œCheck for squirrel. €

 

[diamond8]

A 60 Year old man needs a heart transplant and has two donors to choose from. A 25 year old athlete or a 80 year old attorney. He chooses the 80 year old attorneys heart. His Doctor asks why? He says because the attorneys heart has never been used. :T:

 

[bullitnut]

Love it dude

 

[bullitnut]

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house)(_::

 

[bullitnut]

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock.

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl.

"We're on the patch."

 

[bullitnut]

COMPUTER NERD CHAT UP LINES.
PLEASE EXCUSE THE CRUDENESS I DIDN'T WRITE THESE
Baby, you overclock my processor.

Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive.

You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers.

You defragment my life Would you like to enjoy my laptop, I promise I don't have any viruses.

You're hotter then the bottom of my laptop.

If I were an assembly language, I'd jump to your address, shift right a bit, push it in, pop it out, load a byte into your accumulator, then jump if you're negative.

You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.

Nobody turns me on from a cold boot like you.

You turn my floppy disk in to a hard drive.

Are you a computer whiz €¦ it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.

Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM.

If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.

Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to.

Baby, let's configure our hard drives in master and slave position

 

[bullitnut]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

[bullitnut]

very crude

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck..

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'


'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself.. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

 

[bullitnut]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

Jesus knows youre here.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?  he hissed at the parrot.

Yep  the parrot confessed, then squawked, im just trying to warn you that he is watching you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you? 

Moses,  replied the bird.

Moses?  the burglar laughed. What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus. 

 

[bullitnut]

Read this the other day about a guy who bought a tazer for his wife to protect her from the vicious muggings that had been going on in their neighbourhood.



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

 

[Iniesta]

Guy 1 - "Hey, where's the best chow?"
Guy 2 - doesn't respond.
Guy 1 - "In Berlin."


Hahahaha...NOT

 

[Iniesta]

Two norwegian people talking to each other:

-Can you imagine that in the US a person gets hit by a car every 15'th minute?

- Wow, that person must have a lot of bad luck

 

[Iniesta]

One day a norwegian man says to his fellow countryman:

-"Did you know that Markus from Sweden has two assholes"?

- "No", the other norwegian man answers. "How do you know that"?

- "Well, because every time us 3 walk in to the pup the bartender says: "Here comes the swede with the two assholes"

 

[bullitnut]

A Blonde goes to WalMart to buy curtains.
She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains, she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches, says the salesman, what room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'



The blonde replies, 'Helloooo, mine has Windows!'

 

[bullitnut]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.'



He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is Law.



You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight; and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.



Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.



Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?



The wife replied, 'The f ing' funeral director would be my first guess.

 

[bullitnut]

sorry in advance to all the females as this is sexist but i didnt write it, a friend sent me it in an email



A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.
It's keeping your mouthshut that does the trick...."

 

[bullitnut]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

[janna]

Funny jokes!!

Bullit,

I would have reached out to give you a slap after the sexist joke but it did make me laugh at the same time. )(_:: But to be fair,you know there are men who could do with a mouth full of water too.

 

[bullitnut]

Lol glad you liked them Janna thanks.



Two friends meet after many years ..........

They talk about their past life ...........

One asks the other:

- And how's your sex life ?? ........

- Same As Coca-Cola ...........

- Oh great! .. Full of bubbles, eh?

Nothing like that ! ...

Before it was 'NORMAL',
Then it became 'LIGHT',
And now it is 'ZERO' !