Jokes... to bring a smile..

[bullitnut]

meant to put this on at christmas and totally forgot.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Season Begins ...

 

[bullitnut]

This ones for Dazzster.



The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it) She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[bullitnut]

A man buys a robot that is programmed to give anyone who tells a lie a slap on the face.
He decides to try it out during dinner.
- My son, where have you been today?
The son replies:
- In school.
SLAP, the robot gives him a slap.
- Ok! I watched a movie at my friends house!
- What movie?
- E.T.
SLAP, the robot gives him another slap
- Ok, ok, it was pr0n!
- What? When I was your age I had no idea on what pr0n even was. Dad says in an accusing tone.
SLAP, the robot gives dad a slap
Mom laughs:
- You can tell he's your son.
SLAP, mom gets a slap
---------------------------




Things to think about.
----------------------------





Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[bullitnut]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!'

 

[bullitnut]

oooh very sexist))N_)
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You beast! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap. It's started."

 

[bullitnut]

OOOOOH SEXIST!!;;D
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no"one" is looking, I'll expose 1of my breasts to it & see how horny it gets... just as men do.'

Mary then exposes a breast, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'

Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around, bum waving in the breeze..to the gorilla, who now is extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking her clothes off.

'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

'Tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ..."

 

[bullitnut]

OMG if my daughter left me this i would flipout)(_::
A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished 2 see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: "Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that im writing 2 u, i had 2 elope with my new boyfriend because i wanted 2 avoid a scene with u & Dad. Ive been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, im pregnant & he said that we will b very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods & has a stack of firewood 4 the whole winter. He wants 2 have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams 2. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone & we'll b growing it 4 us & trading it with his friends 4 all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. Don't worry Mum, i'm 15yrs old now & i know how 2 take care of myself. Someday i'm sure we'll b back 2 visit so u can get 2 know yr grandchildren. Yr daughter, Sophie... P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors house. I just wanted 2 remind u that there r worse things in life than my report card thats in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe 2 come home.."

 

[bullitnut]

a horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Ferrari back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole..!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story -
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Ferrari to pick up chicks.

 

[bullitnut]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks
at the other and says, '



I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'


The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, and I am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where abouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'Be gorra!, so am I!! And what street did you live
on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived
on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And
what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what
year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!



I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!
Can you believe it?



I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

 

[bullitnut]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[bullitnut]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots and they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[bullitnut]

Love it!!

 

[bullitnut]

Click the link and see if you can understand what this girl is trying to say

 

[bullitnut]

i wanted to watch a program on origami, so i pushed the button and nothing!!!....i rang the supplier and he said " Im sorry Sir but that's paper view!

 

[bullitnut]

My wife asked me!!

was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"

I said, "After the football love"

She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"

I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

--------------

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living.

The barman was crushed to death

---------------


My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".

I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"...

 

[bullitnut]

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, €˜You were drunk again last night, weren €™t you? €™

Randy said, €˜Why would you say such a mean thing? €™

€˜Well, €™ Kathleen said, €˜it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly €¦ €¦. it €™s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[bullitnut]

FBI job application

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said,
€œWe must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her! €
The man said, €œYou can €™t be serious! I could never shoot my wife! €
The agent said, €œThen you €™re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home. €
The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, €œI tried, but I can €™t kill my wife. € The agent said, €œYou don €™t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. €
Finally, it was the female applicant €™s turn. She was given the same instructions- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. €œThis gun is loaded with blanks € she said. €œI had to beat him to death with the chair.

 

[bullitnut]

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.
His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

 

[timuk]

forgot about this old chestnut...

just had a good read and a good laugh

Cant think of any new jokes or anything funny to say.... not even about people who live north of the Watford Gap...

hope my recent hair loss has not taken my humour with it !!

Do they do a propecia for humour loss !!!!!

 

[Bigmac]

Only if you live up North.