Jokes... to bring a smile..

[bullitnut]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at
the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

 

[bullitnut]

A group of bikers were riding west on the Interstate when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George, a big burly man in his early 30s gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State
Trooper, and says, "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well,
before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss
followed immediately by another one, with lots of tongue. After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be
famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[janna]

Two good ones bn!! )(_::

 

[bullitnut]

Thanks Janna

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he
goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain
the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and
smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain. A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents
over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to
her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner
must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After
a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family. And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex
with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and
throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!! By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first
thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father
says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes

 

[bullitnut]

The student that scored 0% in a review

Napoleon died in what battle? * In the last
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the end of the page
The river Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
What is the leading cause of divorce? * Marriage
What is not possible to eat at breakfast? * Lunch or dinner
What Does it look like half of an apple? * The other half
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will happen? * Will get wet
How can a man stay 8 days without sleep? Sleeping at night
How can we lift an elephant with one hand? We will never find an elephant with
only one hand
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other, what would you have? * A very large hands
If it took eight men to build a wall in ten hours, how long it would take four men to build the same wall? No time, the Wall is built
How can you drop a raw egg in a concrete floor without breaking it? * Either way, a raw egg can not break a concrete floor.

 

[bullitnut]

I wil never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and our on the dong. She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive and well if that xxxxxx ice cream truck hadn't come along." hahahahaha!

 

[bullitnut]

At the recent Olympics in London, a blonde went with her two brunette friends to try to enter the Olympic Stadium without tickets. While they were standing outside, they started debating on how to get in without a ticket, as they were all
sold out. One of the brunettes noticed there was a construction site across the road, so she said "I know! We can just show them how good we are at a certain sport and they'll think we're athletes!"

So the first brunette grabs a bar of steel, goes to the door, and tells the guard that she's in the Javelin throw event but forgot her tickets. The guard doesn't believe her, so she throws the bar of steel over the entire Olympic stadium. The guard is impressed and lets her in.

The second brunette, upon seeing this, grabs a block of concrete and goes to the entrance, telling the guard she's in the Shot Put event. Again, the guard is suspicious, but the brunette throws the concrete block over the Olympic stadium,
landing on the other side. Impressed, the guard lets her through as well.

The blonde is the last one left, so she goes to the construction site and grabs a roll of barbed wire. She attempts to tell the guard that she's in the Olympics as well. The guard asks, "What sport are you in?" The blonde replies "Don't you see this roll of barbed wire? I'm here for FENCING!"

 

[bullitnut]

Types of computer viruses (got this from an article I read on another website, sorry if it offends anyone)

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even
though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

 

[bullitnut]

I often stare at a prominent sign on the wall at my Gym that declares "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE".And every time I think "Whoever wrote that never tried to cancel their membership."

 

[bullitnut]

How do you milk a sheep?Release a new Ipad...

 

[Hewey]

bullitnut wrote:

How do you milk a sheep?Release a new Ipad...

Very true.

 

[bullitnut]

Hewey wrote:

bullitnut wrote:

How do you milk a sheep?Release a new Ipad...

Very true.

Too true they are all alike.

 

[bullitnut]

You just can't make stuff like this up.... I know it's long... BUT...BUT... BUT.. for me worth every line.... Correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the sunday times

Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: * On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. * On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window still is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

 

[topccat29]

 

[Bigmac]

God forbid.

 

[bullitnut]

Holy cow noooooooo

 

[bullitnut]

COLIN THE ABORIGINE


A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell €¦ Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? €™

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

€˜I want the XXXXXXXXX who pushed me in. €™

 

[janna]

topccat29 wrote:

Quite SEXY!!!

 

[janna]

BN,

Love the Aborigine/Croc joke. )(_::

 

[bullitnut]

janna wrote:

BN,

Love the Aborigine/Croc joke. )(_::

Thanks Janna